Ignorance Is "Chris" by Doug Wrenn

Ignorance Is "Chris"

By Doug Wrenn

October 01, 2007

It wasn't Chris Dodd's fault. When that half-baked, half-shaven, babbling little imp from Iran cast his filthy shadow upon Columbia University's rotting liberal ivy this past week to placate the useful idiots and not-so closet subversives who invited him, Dodd was busy on the stump, trying to undo Joe "Biden For Time Until I Find Something Better To Do," Mike "Grumpy Grandpa" Gravel and "Dennis The Menace Koo-Koo-cinich" as to who could raise the least amount of money and drop out of the Democrat presidential primaries first. Or maybe the senior but not necessarily wiser senator from the People's Socialist Republic of Corrupticut took a holiday from the stress and strain of the hustings and simply kicked back and imbibed a few liberally poured libations with his favorite Beltway boozing barstool goombah, "Teddy Drunk & Steady." Whatever his excuse is, somebody better wake Rip Van Dodd up for school soon because he obviously hasn't been paying too much attention for quite some time now. In a recent letter to President Bush (not so coincidently leaked to the press), "Neville" Dodd actually proposed that Bush name and use a special envoy to talk to Iran's leaders, such as President "I'm In The Mood For A Jihad," himself. That's nice, Chris. And say what?

When I look at Ahmadinejad as I hold an emesis basin at the ready (which is the only way I can look at that demonic little cretin) the only question in my mind is whether he is bats, simply evil, or both, but pondering that insignificant mystery is about as substantive as keeping up with what Paris, Nicole, Britney, Lindsey and O.J. are doing these days. Whatever "The Li'l Imp That Could's" problems are, we deal with him the same way, and no, Mr. Dodd, that doesn't mean backslapping, swapping story and having yuck-yucks over falafels, washed down with shots of Jameson. Now please do us all a favor, hurry up and lose, do your obligatory Larry King tell-all, teary-eyed, mea culpa interview, retire, and then go write a book, like all good little political has-been hacks are supposed to do.

According to Hartford Courant Washington Bureau Chief, David Lightman, in his September 18th online piece, "Dodd Urging Talks With Iran," Senator Dodd is concerned about "bellicose statements by United States officials" about Iran. Whether his excuse was preparing for the stump, or ordering another round, the senior senator from the State of Utopia apparently missed the October 20, 2006 on-line piece by USA Today, "Ahmadinejad: Israel Led By 'Terrorists,' Has No Reason To Exist." The article goes on to include the US in the razor-challenged little imp's painting with a broad brush. Indeed, Senator. As "Herself," Madam Hillary would say, "Let's chat." Kumbayah. Ah, yes, reason # 245 why John Bolton is not on Chris Dodd's "Holiday" card list.

When Ahmadinejad talks, it's usually babble, nonsense and denials. Newsflash: the Holocaust was not all that long ago, it did exist, and if gays don't exist in Iran, it's because this little back-alley watch peddler with a coat one size too big and full of pockets has killed them all. Go ahead, gay advocates; tell me all about our lack of "tolerance," here in the evil US.

We know that Iran is funding and sponsoring many of the various terrorist groups. They are selling weapons to just about everybody but the Rotary Club and the Boy Scouts. Their IED's have been responsible in Iraq for blowing up our troops, while fat cats like Dodd callously enjoy the protected luxury of pontificating worthless bluster from coast to coast with little more to fear than his luggage getting flown to Pittsburgh while he contently nurses a drink while waiting in the airport bar for a delayed flight in Los Angeles. The Russians are enriching Iran's uranium, and we all know how trustworthy Dubya's newfound friend and Soviet Chip & Dale wannabe, "Vladimir The Shirtless" is, and what antics he and his henchmen have been up to lately. (Helpful hint: keep drinking your tea in a glass when hanging out with that crowd, lest you miss the slipped polonium Mickey Finn that is mysteriously holding up and illuminating the tea bag!) The little imp from Iran also tells us, through that incessant putrid smirk on his stubbly mug, that Iran is using nuclear energy for peaceful, domestic purposes. Of course. And so was "Ding Dong Mentally Ill" in North Korea, which was why his little 4th of July fireworks display last year for our benefit was such a surprise to all of us. What ingenuity! Who ever would have guessed that rockets could actually be used for domestic energy purposes! Gee, just imagine what they could do once "Ding Dong" actually perfects his aim!

Despite the fact that "I'm Mad And Pajama Clad" looks less like a President and more like that creepy, weirdo, sweaty, T-shirt wearing non-English speaking cousin, working as a busboy that you typically see in a family run diner, who also seldom comes out of the kitchen and diabolically sneers at you if you dare ask for another glass of water, he is nevertheless, Iran's national leader, but truth be known, this "President" is about as popular with his people as Jimmy "The Peanut" Carter is reliable as a poll monitor. There is in fact, a strong pro-western faction within Iran that would very much like to see President Imp's clock cleaned, but that faction is now safely tucked under the ominous thumb of this "popular elected president." Our intel and Arab speaking spies are now about as prevalent as alligators in Alaska, thanks to eight years of Clinton and his anti-defense, anti-intelligence (in more ways than one) Democrat cronies in the Congress, who whittled our current resources pretty much down to one surly, apathetic, flatulent, pot-bellied, gray-haired, quintessential, burned out, civil servant, biding his remaining few months to early retirement while wearing a wrinkled trench coat, sunglasses, Yankees ball cap, polyester pants with loafers and white socks, and an earpiece, wired to a recorder with no battery in it, and a rusty box of paper clips left in a stained, moldy, smelly, cracked and chipped old coffee mug in the only functioning drawer of his broken, three-legged metal, typical government-issue desk, back in his "Dilbert"-like cubicle at Langley. So much for covert operations.

OK, so let's humor Senator Dodd and all do our impression of Oprah for just a minute. "I'm-a Think I'm God" has made it pretty clear that he wants us off the globe just as soon as he's finished turning Israel into the world's second largest parking lot. What exactly does that leave us for bargaining chips? In the give and take of so-called peaceful and civilized negotiations, how do we define the carrot and the stick? Trade sanctions dating back to the Reagan years haven't done much thus far, and OK, perhaps with our allies, both real and imagined, we can make further turn up the heat and make more of a dent, but if this wing nut has the fortitude of the other wing nut in North Korea, that's a stall tactic at best, and right now, Russia and China aren't exactly playing well with others, so no guarantee there. And considering that ridiculing the UN Security Council is one of "Make Mud For Dinner In The Yard's" favorite pastimes (although, I do have to side with him there) it's likely, odd, though it may seem, that he isn't particularly afraid of the inept and corrupt UN peace-o-crats, more adept at skimming off the top from oil sales and raping helpless female civilians in Africa. So, please do tell us, oh sage prophet, Nostra-Dodd-mus, how exactly do you negotiate with someone who wants nothing more than your blood, even during the few times when he does actually say something coherent? Answer: survey says…..BUZZZZZZ! Wrong answer! Now, would like to buy a vowel, or retire back to East Pig Snout, Connecticut with your baby elephant as a consolation prize? Newsflash, Senator Brainstorm, talking only works when the other side is listening, and preferably, also sane.

Many of the very same people who blame Dubya, et al for supposedly being duped in Iraq were also duped and previously once agreeable to that mission themselves. And for that matter, considering how long UN inspections were no longer being done, it isn't all that unlikely that the WMD's, if they did exist, were moved to Syria, AKA: Iran's kid brother. These same dunderhead peaceniks with convenient memories equipped with on/off switches have also forgotten about the great appeasement experiment that failed, AKA: World War II, or the years of terrorism foisted upon us as we foolishly continued to address military attacks with law enforcement resources, so enough drivel about "occupation."

These loony birds hate us because of who we are, what we have, and who we pal around with, not that it's any of their business, just like their love/hate relationship with their self-imposed detention in the seventh century is none of our business. Meanwhile, the head loony bird thinks he is the next Muslim Messiah, or whatever he calls himself, and he wants to go out in a big bang in his ratcheted up version of "trick or treat" and he wants to take us all with him. We may very well all be in "jeopardy," Mr. Dodd, but not the kind in which you can nonchalantly pick, "World Domination" for $500 without worrying about the final round.

Meanwhile, flower children like "Ignorance Is Chris" Dodd naively and dangerously want to talk to people who don't want to talk to them and negotiate from a self-designed position of weakness with expectations that being the recipient of one-way bartering will actually bear some positive fruit, yet for all this hot gas being expelled and droning on about "talk," the words "preemptive strike" are still ironically taboo. Call me crazy, but batting clean up in a nuclear battle isn't my idea of a good time. Furthermore, I'm not so sure I want a third world groupie, like Dodd, who never met a communist dictator he didn't like, doing my bidding, especially when the stakes are so high. Not that Dubya is necessarily a polished wordsmith and necessarily a keen, worldly statesman, having not at all being "misunderestimated" when he showed up the Chi-coms by agreeing to turn one of our planes into a kid's toy Erector Set and then taking a national bow before removing it from Hainan Island, or very smoothly entering into a questionable "Fruits For Nukes" pact by trading our nuclear technology for mangoes with India, but I am far more afraid that (God forbid) a "President" Dodd would exchange all of our nuclear arsenal for a handful of Fidel's prize stogies on a good day, or simply even as a gratis to the sneering little Iranian imp from the kitchen in our worst possible nightmare. Dodd's kind of pea-wit, jelly-spined negotiations would only translate kindness to weakness when it comes out the other end to the little demon with the smirk, whiskers and whole new zealous take on the "Big Bang Theory." It is far better to merely be thought of as a clueless, trembling, liberal appeaser, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt, especially with potentially millions of lives hanging in the all too precarious balance.

In our modern, 24/7 global world of Internet and cable TV, it is worthwhile to remember that Osama bin Laden referred to us as a "paper tiger" after our debacle in Somalia, which we now know emboldened him to hit the World Trade Center, and then again. The Communist Chinese made similar observations and comments about as after Somalia as well. Also, when we aggressively responded to the September 11th attacks, Libya's Colonel Ghadafi suddenly came out of the closet, gave up his nukes, put up his hands and cried "Uncle." Al Qaeda has also made observations and remarks favorable to the Dim-wit-o-crats regarding our elections. They now who the collaborators are. They're watching, too. In world affairs, as in physics, every action has a reaction. It's our call what that action and reaction will be, positive or negative. In our global 24/7 world of Internet and cable TV, most of watch, pay attention, analyze, and also now know that barbaric fanatics such as Ahmadinejad only understand and respond to strength, not kindness. Then there's our hapless Senator and back tier President wannabe, Chris "The Dim Bulb Diplomat" Dodd, who is mistaking world events on that same global 24/7 TV with the Super Bowl, and is instead being distracted by the funny commercials.

A blockade, a surgical strike on as many of Iran's underground nuke sites as we can hit, and also on their very few oil refineries as well as various other strategic sites are our best hopes in what really amounts to the least of all other possible evils, followed up by taking out Ahmadinejad and his inner circle in the hopes that more rationally minded pro-westerners from within could then move in and assume the helm. If we don't hit Iran, Israel eventually will, and if we both continue to drag our heels, the evil little imp with the satanic smirk will decide for us, and then it will be too late. When there are all lousy hands dealt at the table, a pair of 3's doesn't look so bad after all. Like it or not, we probably will have to definitively deal with Iran, and sooner rather than later. Wishful thinking doesn't make the Boogie Man go away, except maybe in fairy tales written by liberal losers trying to suddenly and desperately create some semblance of a legacy far too late in life. As Kenny Rogers sang in "The Gambler," "You've got to know when to hold 'em, and know when to fold 'em."

In other words, talk is cheap, and time's a wastin'.

Doug Wrenn