The 2008 Political Prophesies Of "Newt-strodamus" by Doug Wrenn

The 2008 Political Prophesies Of "Newt-strodamus"

By Doug Wrenn

August 01, 2007

Former House Speaker and also rumored but yet unannounced presidential wannabe, Newt Gingrich predicted that the Democrats will nominate a Clinton/Obama ticket for 2008 and that the Republicans will have a "formidable" nominee from either Rudy Giuliani, Fred Thompson or Mitt Romney. How accurate is this "quatrain" of the political prophet, "Newt-strodamus"?

From the polls I have been following, it's Hillary and Obama, and in that order, and everyone else practically doesn't exist, including those with three and four digit haircuts. If circumstances were reversed, I would have doubts. I don't think Hillary's ego would ever allow her to be a Vice President. Let's face it; the she has already been a "co-President." The number one slot is the next logical move. For a redundantly and publicly Michelle-whipped Barack Obama, a submissive back seat role seems fitting. After all, if he can't maintain his own dignity from the constant berating and ridicule from his own wife, how would he even conceive to stand his ground against the leaders of nations like Iran, China, Russia and North Korea, whose "honey-do" lists are far more demanding, precarious, and even menacing?

Besides, Hillary and Obama fill in each other's voids. While the Queen of Cold has the experience that Obama does not have, he has the natural charisma that she lacks and previously didn't need when Billy Yuk-Yuks was her Oval Office partner, at least when the chubby, buxom cigar wielding intern and bimbo du jour wasn't in town. Like it or not, electability sadly has more to do with persona and looks than it does issues. Part of Obama's natural charm is his handsome features, something that Madam Hillary cannot make up for, not even with her 34 longs pretending to be bike rack in the crevice of that now infamous and controversial plunging neckline. (Helpful hint from the fashion police to our next lady, or, "woman" President, whoever it someday may be: You are the executive leader of the free world, go for smart, not tart.) Then there is the quota factor. With both a woman and a black on the same ticket, the "Diversity Obsessed Dems" score a two-fer, both for affirmative action and for historical precedent. On the issues, as long as Hillary, all plunging necklines aside, remembers to flop when Obama flips, they should be OK. In other words, they can simply keep doing what they're both already doing, but now in sync with each other. For those who predict a more middle of the road Democrat to be Hill's # 2 to placate the red states, I doubt it. Granted, in primaries, pols of both sides lean further toward their respective bases, and in the general election, more toward the middle, but as all the Dems are ignoring the centrist Democrat Leadership Council (DLC), and are instead favoring such far left groups and conferences like that of the left wing blog, Daily Kos, I see more than political strategy here. This trend seems to be more of just another bellwether of the seismic shift that the Democrat Party has taken to its far left fringe, and thus leaving its Blue Dog and Reagan Democrats back in the station without a train, and without shedding any tears for abandoning them. Flips and flops aside, Hillary and Obama, even if not far left, want to be perceived as being far left. That pendulum won't swing back. Newt's right on this point. That ticket is a grand slam out of the park, and for all those repulsed by Hillary or reluctant of Obama, together they form the perfect package. Now, if Obama keeps cowering and continues to say faithfully say, "Yes, Dear," he should be OK, as long as he doesn't slip and call Hillary Michelle during the heat of passion…ate politics. Now exit to stage right, or at least, slightly.

Of the "Fumbling Formidables," the political waters are a bit choppier, and this quatrain is where The Prophetic Right Wing Revolutionary of '94 and I part company. Unlike the Dems, our top tier candidates have already gone to the center and then some, completely disregarding the base, which explains the tepid response to The Three Stooges, Mitt, Rudy and John, AKA: The Liar, The Liberal and the Lunatic. For Mr.Straight-Talk, his sudden fawning over Christian Evangelists was worth little more than the entertainment value, although conservatives did briefly interrupt their slumber and open one eye for McLoon's support of the War in Iraq, but that was quickly dashed when he jumped aboard the USS Teddy Kennedy, and docked at the Illegal Immigration Amnesty pier. Now the ship is rightfully sinking, and the campaign staff is pushing the rats out of the way to jump overboard first before their paychecks start bouncing more that Mitt Romney's issue positions. McLoon says he will fight on to the very end. So did Custer.

For all the conservatives currently holding their noses, I dare say that our country now faces a shortage of clothes pins that would make oil refineries seem to be in surplus. It's not hard to figure out why Giuliani leads in the polls, fear, both of the past and of the future. Republicans look at September 11th, and they suddenly want to be closer to Rudy. Then they look at the very real possibility of another Clinton in '08, and they again suddenly want to be closer to Rudy. Clothes pin, please. In either case, Rudy's liberalism, which makes Ted Kennedy look like Ronald Reagan in drag, is suddenly forgivable, given both scenarios. But the fat lady isn't singing yet, even if she is really some just bloated liberal old man with a Boston Brahman accent and road maps for cheeks.

Hillary very plausibly owes her current seat (the occupied Senate one, not the attached profound one) to Rudy's prostate cancer. Putting Rick Lazio up against the icy and calculating Sharon Stone look-a-like Senior is like having your third string Little Leaguer pitch to Barry Bonds. Given a second shot, with no unforeseen obstacles, Rudy has at least a 50/50 shot of knocking Esmeralda off her broom, but still a better chance than anyone else so far from the alleged right. While it was Mayor Ed Koch who created the sanctuary status for illegal immigrants in New York, Giuliani not only kept it, but also defended it. His leadership on 9/11 was ironic considering that disaster could have just as easily been planned in New York as it happened in New York. Yet people look at Hillary's fake smile, her razor sharp cutting stare and that strident scream that can awaken the dead, knock vultures off meat wagons and straighten the Leaning Tower of Pisa, and she suddenly gives the word "terror" a whole new meaning. Rudy's lucky. But as they say in those tacky late night TV commercials, "But wait…there's more…."

As long as we are talking about battling New Yorkers and potential tickets, don't count out multi-billionaire New York Mayor, Michael Bloomberg, who has just had another political epiphany, from Democrat to Republican and now to independent, and for the same reason: political expediency, but in a race with names like Clinton and Romney, core values need not apply anyway. Bloomy's bored. He wants to be Prez now, and in a town that has no limits, he's reaching a term limit, so he Gracie Mansion will only be graced by his occupancy for only a short while more. While some are saying that Call-e-for-ne-a Governator Ah-nold Schwarzenegger may be Bloomy's Veep if he runs, Arnie can't be a Veep. Constitutionally, as per Article 2, Section 1, the President must be a native born citizen. What if the ticket of Bloomy The Hustle & Arnie The Muscle hypothetically gets elected, and then Bloomy pulls a "(William Henry) Harrison" and dies a month after Inauguration Day? The Veepenator, Ah-nold, would be constitutionally unable to become President in succession. With Bloomy in the race, he takes votes from both sides, and his seemingly infinite wealth would keep the gas in his engine, despite the pump price. We would then have the battle of three New Yorkers, and for the slight edge Hillary would have over Giuliani, Bloomberg could make the difference as a spoiler and put Rudy over the top. Now just for fun, let's throw in Ralph Nader as Bloomy's Veep as long as Ah-nold's chances have been constitutionally terminated. You could then add another 5% of the vote to Rudy's camp, give or take.

The only facets of Mitt Romney that don't flip-flop are his hairdo (the bane of John Edwards!) and his standing in the polls. Romney is almost second to Rudy. I guess even far right conservatives figure you're better off with the devil you know than the devil who flips more coins than a broken parking meter.

No, that wasn't a typo before, I really did say that Romney was "almost second" to Rudy. He is "almost second" in the sense that his polls standing is really third, when you factor in "The Great Right Hope," Fred Thompson, who hasn't announced that he is running, despite all actions indicating that he is running. Thompson, the non-candidate, runs a close second in the polls, below Rudy and above Flipper. That's a pretty neat trick for a candidate who theoretically doesn't exist. If he really runs, it's anybody's guess what could happen next, but I don't see Thompson giving Hillary a run for her money like Rudy could, and with Waffles and Custer's Ghost out of the race, their supporters might well go to Thompson, you might not fare as well against Mommy Dearest, with or without a Bloomberg spoiler candidacy. Thompson also scares me because people are already calling him the next Reagan. They last said that about Dubya.

Thompson has in the past made pro-abortion statements, although he pretty much behaved himself in that regard during his brief and lackluster career as a Senator. He's also pro-campaign finance reform, which is akin to saying you're anti-free speech, and for all the chicanery, we now see that all campaign finance reform accomplished is to give us more loop holes. Freddy talks tough about securing our borders, but he's also of a globalist mindset, which is akin to consuming a large pizza with the works and washing it down with a diet soda. When he chaired the Government Affairs Committee's investigation into Chinese influence in our electoral process (during the last Clinton regime), I distinctly recall a forlorn looking Freddy lamenting how many people ignored his subpoenas to appear and testify. Apparently, he forgot to say pretty please with sugar on top. That kind of executive leadership accomplishment just doesn't get you the gold key to the really nice rest room. Then again, although Thompson might not exactly be the quintessential executive, at least he's played one on TV.

Which brings us back to "formidable." Rudy's pretty much it, maybe, and only if Billionaire Bloomy buys himself a ticket to lose. As for tickets, Hell will freeze over and the Devil will be throwing snowballs from inside his igloo before Rudy ever takes second place to anyone. Like with that of Mama "Cuddles" Clinton, the hard-charging ego of America's Mayor just won't allow its owner to be second fiddle to anybody. Thompson might possibly accept a veepship. So might Romney. (No he won't…yes he will…no he won't …yes he will…no he won't…yes he will….) I have nothing but gut instinct to back this up, but I suspect someone on Rudy's veep short list might be his close friend and former subordinate from the US Attorney's office in New York, Bill Simon. Simon, now of California, is a pro-life conservative who won his party's nomination but narrowly lost in the general election for Governor in 2002 to later recalled Democrat California Governor Gray Davis. Simon is someone who Rudy, who doesn't always play nice with others, likes and trusts. Rudy picked Simon to be his Presidential Exploratory Policy Director. Simon the California conservative also gives Rudy the liberal New Yorker balance, both on social issues and on geography. With New York and California potentially locked up, Giuliani and Simon could take a month off from campaigning, and come back and win the election after lunch without breaking a sweat, and especially with a blooming Bloomberg candidacy serving as a wedge between archrivals Rudy and Hillary.

On the Dem side, I think Newt nailed it. On the "formidable" GOP side, that remains to be seen. The fact of the matter is that just like in 2000, the truly quality and far more interesting "red meat" Republican candidates who are not blessed by the left wing media as coroneted darlings for the GOP are again relegated to the second tier, nowhere close enough to even hope to get nominated, but just barely visible enough on the radar screen to maybe have Wikipedia write a nice paragraph on each of then when this is all over. And I repeat it again because it warrants repetition again, Bloomberg and maybe Nader as well may very well make as much a significant difference in this race as wind mills on Cape Cod does to Ted Kennedy's blood pressure, or as cow flatulence supposedly does to global warming in that vast left wing convolution called Al Gore's alleged mind. In political time, there are about three lifetimes between now and primary season, let alone Election Day and almost anything could happen between now and then. It wasn't all that long ago when the Republicans looked upon former Virginia US Senator George Allen as their next White House Savior, before he foolishly opened his mouth and You Tubed himself into perpetual political oblivion. However this shakes out, it does so far appear that New Yorkers may possibly decide this very unusual and historically unique race, but despite all our shuffling of tea leaves and armchair political prophesies, ultimately, only the final tallied results, chads and all, of Election Day, 2008 will tell us for sure. Barring that, the only remaining true certainty is that for 24 bucks worth of wampum, or its monetary equivalent, our purchase of Manhattan from its original owners was definitely a steal.