I'm Starting To Feel Old, Confused And "Teched Off" by Doug Wrenn

I'm Starting To Feel Old, Confused And "Teched Off"

By Doug Wrenn

July 11, 2007

They say you know you're old when the cops and doctors are younger than you. I think I'm just about there. Some of these cops look like they're not yet old enough to drive a cruiser, let alone carry a loaded sidearm, and my doctor resembles a Middle Eastern version of "Doogie Houser, M.D." Oh, yeah, and I also now tend to need to see "little Doogie" more often. I also find myself frequently complaining about how much easier these pampered kids of today (many of whom are cops and doctors) have it easier then when I was a kid. That's not a good sign, and while I still have all my hair, I can't even begin to list the various other places that new hair is now making an unsolicited and unwanted debut.

As if all of that isn't bad enough, I often find myself grossly confused. I have always prided myself in having a moderately good grasp of the English language, but at some point, I swear Congress declared war on our language, gobbledygook invaded, conquered our vocabulary, and no one ever forwarded the memo to me. I have always been a staunch supporter of English as the official language of the US, but I think the fight is now over and the cause a moot issue, not because of years and decades of liberal policies and lack of enforcement which has led to 20 million illegal immigrants entering our country and refusing to assimilate, and no, not even because the Pope has now given the thumbs up for Catholic churches to opt for the return of the Latin Mass. The scary thing is I think people around me are still speaking English, but I just no longer understand it. It's like I'm a kindergartner reading a collegiate level Calculus textbook.

Just for a little background, I still have a black and white TV, two turntables, and up until about five years ago, a rotary phone, a separation of which I still regret every day. I still collect movies in VHS, having finally said a tearful goodbye to Beta, while the world is now using DVD. We finally sprung for a much needed new car just yesterday (The years of our other jalopies all begin with "199" and in drastically descending order!) The big selling point for me was that it has a tape player, not a CD player. I don't know if my editor would approve of me making any corporate endorsements, but suffice to say that this American auto manufacturer indeed, "has a better idea." They say in 2009, TV's will all go to high definition. Don't even get me going down that road!

This has been a big month of purchases. Scarcely four weeks ago, the better half and I also sprung for our first his and her cell phones. Again, no endorsements here, but they are from the same company that also makes them with that real cool walkie-talkie function. My wife sounds so cute ending our conversations with "over and out." (That means "10-4," for all you kids with badges and guns out there!) I resisted that purchase, too, but pay phones are now going the way of the brontosaurus, the drive-in movie theater and teen age girls without body art, piercings, green and purple hair, or exposed mid-drifts, so my own personal "great leap forward," while not at all inspired by Chairman Mao, was very much inspired by pragmatic necessity, albeit with chagrin.

So there you have it. The Stone Age has come and gone, but I, your trusty stalwart against all change, is still here, with both feet firmly implanted in stable, old ground of a brave, new world. So now you can understand my problem. I now as often respond in conversations with other people with words like "Huh?" and "What?" about as frequently as folks half my age who mindlessly reiterate the words, "Dude" and "…like..".

Somebody, please help me! I thought Pontiac made an MP3 and it came with a ragtop, a spoiler and alloy wheels. I thought little kids too young to enter Little League played TiVo. I thought a Pod Cast was a plant that grew up from the ground after a nuclear blast and ate people in cheap 1950's sci-fi thrillers, an I-Pod was the radioactive contaminated seedling from a Pod Cast that would eat even more people when it grew up and later starred in the movie's sequel, and a text message was a boring book condensed into CliffsNotes. Last but not least, I thought that an X-Box was a…uh, well… never mind. Let's not go there! Is my cheese really that far off the cracker to still think that "blackberries, blueberries, raspberries and strawberries" are all fruits? What is all this stuff? I have a two car garage so full of junk it can only accommodate one car and an attic so full of clutter that OSHA now requires us to wear helmets, eye protection and steel-toed boots just to open the hatchway, but somehow, I don't have any of this stuff. Do I need it?

I'm the kind of guy who goes away for a weekend trip and packs an additional two days worth of clothing…just in case, so why have I never missed this stuff before? Why do all these other people have all this stuff? The guy with the big, twisted nose on the TV commercials tells us to "never leave home without it," meaning the credit card that he is hawking, but I don't even have that credit card.

What did all these people do 10 or 15 years ago before cell phones? OK, OK, OK…and then before beepers? Remember when only doctors carried beepers? Doctors were also adults (and Americans) back then. I think the next hot item on the market is going to be luggage, just so people can schlep all the stuff they now carry to go to the corner store to buy a gallon of milk. For such a trek, one now is required to carry a cell phone, a bottle of water and a video camera. Everyone is yakking on cell phones, guzzling water out of plastic bottles for a buck and half a piece when they never drink the same stuff out of the faucet at home for free, and start taping away every time there is a fire, car crash or Heaven forbid, a cop who has to put hands on a bad guy who is resisting arrest. Now some genius came up with the bright idea of putting a camera into a cell phone, a mind-boggling necessity of a combination, obviously foreseen by a Mensa member of infinite foresight. Laugh now, but people once thought peanut butter and jelly were incompatible, too! I just don't get it. One friend of mine was astonished many years ago when I actually sprung for an answering machine, and now, I never shut it off. I actually pick up the phone about as often as we get lunar eclipses, and cameras are only for when going on vacation so that I can bore family and friends (who I never talk to on the phone) when I get home from vacation. Somehow, however, someone deemed it necessary that all these people who are not doctors and not on vacation must have 24 hour access to a phone with a camera.

If you are wondering what inspired this little literary gem of high-tech ranting, I will candidly tell you. First, insomnia. It's almost 2 am right now and I can't sleep. Second, earlier tonight, I saw a TV commercial for an "I-Phone,"which might well have something to do with why I can't sleep. As if a cell phone with a camera isn't enough, now we have a phone with Internet, email and music. Get this little gizmo to wash my (new) car and nuke a cold leftover slice of pizza for the road and I'm in!

The younger generation of techies has become the kids who can't wait. They can't wait to get home to make a phone call, can't wait to get home to take a picture, can't wait to get home to get on the Internet, and for that matter, what did we all do before we had that? All this narcissistic self-gratification, and at its crux, that is what it is really all about, has given us even more additions to our already over-loaded lexicon, including but not limited to "micro" "drive through," etc., and when you do all these functions at once, you are "multi-tasking." No wonder we ridicule people who we claim "can't walk and chew gum." (That's bubble gum for most of you cops and doctors!)

I suspect part of this rage is that we Americans, some adults included, do typically like new gadgets. I also think that part of the equation is all the roosters are coming home to roost with all the little darlings whose Mommies and Daddies could never inflict with the barbaric word "no," lest it bruise their perceived delicate self-esteem, so now we have young adults and grown adults who cannot bear to not expediently procure the latest hot widget on the market before anyone else gets one, and Heaven forbid, before the price later comes down as it does like clockwork on all electronic goodies once the novelty wears off from all the "Smiths" keeping up with the "Joneses."

Maybe it's me, but I don't at all feel deprived, other than from a lack of much coveted sleep right about now. I don't know what most of this stuff is, how I would use it, and in many cases, how to even pronounce or spell it, but I'm still here, so whatever it is and does, I guess I'm doing OK without it. As my editor could well attest, I'm not real cyber-savvy. I refer to myself as "The Slip Mahoney Of Cyber Space," and often seem to have more thumbs than fingers on the keyboard (especially when I write at such wee hours of the day). Every time I successfully send off a column to my editor, I sit back in my chair and proudly grin in a combined mesmerized state of satisfaction and astonishment, like a NASA scientist at Mission Control once the rocket leaves the launch pad.

With all the kids that schools are now babysitting with Ritalin for supposed Attention Deficit Disorder today, I honestly wonder, which came first, the chicken or the egg? It seems younger folks today, while being masterful multi-taskers also cannot be still or quiet for long if at all. They can't pause, reflect, relax, and in some cases, simply shut up. Did we cause that condition, or do the kids now need it to placate themselves? I'm no doctor (I'm too old and hairy) but I would be willing to bet that in about 10-20 years we see a dramatic increase in physical and mental disorders brought on by excessive stress from this generation that can't sit still, can't wait, can't delay gratification, and incessantly needs to be entertained, stimulated, and in constant contact with anybody and everybody, 24/7. Like anything else in moderation, a little isolation and solace is a healthy thing once in a while. I wonder how many of these kids, once having completed their formal education, ever again pick up a book once in a while and delve into a peaceful hour of more subtle recreation and cerebral stimulation. For those who don't read, I would be willing to bet that many of them don't pray much if at all, either. There may very well be some common reasons as to why our churches are as empty of younger folks as our libraries. Everybody is mass communicating, but it seems that nothing is being said or heard, and if so, that's not communication, it's babble, which is only about a half notch above noise. I wonder if the younger people know what they're missing. One thing is for sure, with so many self-imposed electronic leashes affixed to them, it wouldn't at all be hard to contact and ask them.

As for me, you may have to wait until I get home. I don't ever want to be that accessible to the world. I may be busy, watching a sunset, smelling a flower or enjoying a warm summer breeze glancing my face, and no offense, but I'm in no rush to hear from you either. I guess that's something else we acquire with age, priorities, and one at a time.