A Speaker's Place Is In The House by Doug Wrenn

A Speaker's Place Is In The House

By Doug Wrenn

April 10, 2007

Look on the bright side, it could have been worse. Had Rosie O'Donnell gone to Syria instead of Nancy Pelosi, we would be in a full scale war by now.

Being the constitutional curmudgeon that I am, I searched Article 1, Section 8, but no where did I find any mention in our nation's founding document that empowers any member of Congress to hop a plane and go play diplomat of the desert.

I won't rule out that The Botox Queen of San Francisco Bay heard her patriotic clock ticking. But my gut tells me her motivation was more of a Pelosi PuPu Platter of "Bushwhacking" the President and an uncontrollable compulsion to meddle in otherwise stately matters, brought on by recently listening to the Helen Reddy ditty, "I am woman, hear me roar," on an old record she borrowed from Barbara Boxer. Despite her motivations, she just didn't belong there, no matter how you slice it.

Meanwhile, in the Wonderland Of Washington, things just get "curiouser and curiouser." Colorado Media Matters (http://colorado.mediamatters.org/) has reported that several press and media outlets, as well as The White House have turned a blind eye to an April 1st (No fooling!) visit to Syria by Republican Congressmen Frank Wolf of Virginia, Joe Pitts of Pennsylvania and Robert Aderholt of Alabama. Oops!

I have no problem with any of these members of Congress playing diplomats of the desert, if that's what drives their camels, but if such is the case, step down from elected office and submit your resumes to Condi. In other words, do it the right way.

According to Colorado Media Matters, the Iraq Study Group actually suggested such diplomatic relations with Syria in its final report of December 2006. Up here, in the nosebleed seats, I respectfully disagree. Syria is a state sponsored backer of terrorist groups such as Hamas and Hezbollah, and Syria is in turn, as "The Little Terrorist State That Could," supported by its big brother, Iran. To paraphrase the late, great, Rodney Dangerfield, I don't know if you've noticed who runs that country lately, but it ain't the Boy Scouts, I can assure you!

Pelosi drew lots of chiding from several people in several corners for her hissy fit/ junket, including from a very angry President Bush. Bush was right. You don't negotiate with terrorists. You don't go to them. You bring them to us, "Kadaffi style." Terrorists only view diplomacy as weakness, and they thrive on the weakness of others, be it real or perceived. As Sean Connery, playing the seasoned Chicago cop, "Malone," tutored his understudy, T-Man, Elliott Ness, played by Kevin Costner, in the movie, "The Untouchables," "When they pull a knife, you pull a gun; when they send one of yours to the hospital, you send two of theirs to the morgue." Somewhere amidst all the media frenzy of what color pantsuit Nancy was wearing, that slightly more significant message of who and what we are dealing with and how we deal with them got lost. And if it did, what were Republican Congressmen doing in Syria and was the President privy, or even behind their mission? Which is it? Is this whole media fiasco, played on the international stage, for everyone and Allah to see our dirty laundry as one big partisan feud, or are all the inmates now truly running the asylum in our capital city of bats and beltways?

Some are saying that Nancy has thrown a wrench into the gears. Maybe she has. Besides all the pantsuit drivel, I haven't yet heard what, if anything, she accomplished over there, and all things being equal, considering the previous trip to Syria by her fellow (GOP) House members drew rather stealth coverage, perhaps we can conclude that they also fell short of their mark, or worse. Or, maybe the guys should have worn pantsuits.

Putting "Nancy and the (GOP) Diplomats" all on an even plain, I don't find their actions falling under the auspices of "separation of powers" or "a "check and balance" as none of them had any constitutional authority to be there acting like statespersons in the first place. Even through the blurry lens of speculation, Nancy's motivations aren't hard to read, but I have no clue as to what her colleagues from across the aisle were doing there or why. It's funny how times change. Nixon had so many leaks he needed "the plumbers." Then there's Dubya, who keeps a secret as tightly as a priest hearing a penitent's confession, except, of course, when the New York Times is listening from the other side of the curtain.

Admittedly, I have very little confidence in our State Department. About all the State Department is really good for is keeping the Defense Department gainfully employed. Several years ago, I went to a doctor who I soon learned was as real quack. Nevertheless, when I was sick, I went to see him, and not my car mechanic. Matters of state should be left to our State Department, such as it is. The actions of Pelosi and the other meddling Congressmen are beyond being grossly unwarranted. They are absurd, and frankly, embarrassing. Then again, my gut is grumbling again, and it sounds like it is saying, "Follow the money." (Either that, or "Stop feeding me honey!") Perhaps our Congress is capable of building a bridge "to somewhere" after all, and maybe this one spans from K Street to Damascus. Yet, this whole glitzy, star-studded boondoggle that probably achieved more harm than good is about as equally absurd and embarrassing as having a high-ranking Catholic US government official wear an Islamic head covering while making the sign of the cross during a visit to the tomb of the head of John the Baptist in a mosque. These Keystone Cop antics have not only given mixed messages (like also being Catholic and publicly in favor of abortion), but weakened our position with Syria, and compromised Israel, thanks to Pelosi making unpromised promises on behalf of the promisers without first even asking for their promise to the promisee, who wasn't entitled to a promise in the first place. If that sounds confusing to you, how do you think the Israelis feel right now?

Now Nancy The Negotiator is in Saudi Arabia, telling the Saudis how to run their government, starting with appointing women to high-level government positions. I'm sure that little gem is about as popular as a cork in an oil well. Of course, that essential priority of diversity is probably already listed among the top ten on the Shura Council's "to do" list at work, as well as being on their "honey-do" list at home. Wow! And to think that the libs rejected John Bolton as Ambassador to the UN! Nancy better keep making the sign of the cross, because with her "Diplomacy For Dummies" tactics, it will be a miracle if her head also doesn't wind up detached and entombed in a mosque before she leaves, especially considering how loved women are in that part of the world. (Helen Reddy songs just haven't quite made it there yet.)

Not wanting to feel left out, it's simply a matter of time before Chief Justice John Roberts and the boys (and girls) in black robes also drop in on Syrian President Bashar Assad to sit and shoot the yak over a cup of tea. After all, the Judicial Branch is the only one not yet representing the US in Bashar's Playhouse.

More appropriately, though, President Bush, as a head of state, should be the person dealing with foreign countries for purposes of treaties and such, as per Article 2, Section 2 of the Constitution. Being that Pelosi serves in the House, and not the Senate, no one even wants her "advice and consent," although she certainly seems to have much to say, about something.

Negotiations ideally involve mutual give and take. I can envision Pelosi giving up her cherished gavel to President Assad for some form of reciprocation. I'm afraid to ask what Assad wants to give us in exchange for Nancy's new favorite Tinker-Toy.

That's another reason why Pelosi should have minded her own business. At least when President Bush negotiated abroad with India, they got our nuclear technology, but we got their mangoes. Very smooth. Now just throw in a few IT jobs, have those good old boys over for a barbecue at the ranch in Crawford, and we'll have them eating out of the palms of our hands in no time. Pay attention, now, Nancy. See how this works? It's called free trade. Actually, I more strongly suspect that another classic Dubya gaffe was in play. I think initially, the Indians played hardball. Then the Texan got tough, but instead of "It takes two to tango," somehow he again got characteristically tongue-tied and the response unintentionally came out, "Nukes for mangoes," which sealed the deal. That's called fast-track free trade.

While the diplomat-wannabes, AKA: "The Dumb & The Restless" of the House of Representatives may not have any real competition for their suddenly coveted international aspirations and endeavors, it is probably still best for everyone that no jurisdictional lines get crossed and that all concerned keep to his and her job respective description.

For her part in this escapade, Nancy "The Pantsuit" Pelosi has confirmed one tenet that most of us already suspected: The Speaker belongs in the House.

Nancy, even with all these newly acquired frequent flyer miles; this really is not the way to pay for your plane.

Mango, anyone?