THE HOLIDAY SONG by Tim Siggia

THE HOLIDAY SONG

By Tim Siggia

December 03, 2007

It's getting to be the time of year when I find myself in an unusually generous mood -- so generous, in fact, that I am willing to cede my soapbox and let another take it to present a rare alternative viewpoint almost never seen on Radiofree West Hartford. So it is in that generous spirit that I have invited my liberal colleague, Mit Aiggis, to use my column and pen his thoughts on the perennial holiday favorite, "The Christmas Song", written by Mel Torme and sung, in its most famous version, by Nat King Cole. So, without further commentary, I will now turn the column over to him:

Well, first of all I suppose I ought to thank Tim Siggia for allowing me to use his column, although, to be perfectly honest, I really can't stand the fellow -- neither the man himself nor the bigoted, mean-spirited, right-wing trash he writes. Nevertheless, I feel somewhat duty-bound to make the most of this opportunity to enlighten the heathens who habitually read this column and others like it, and to do what I can to expand their minds -- if, that is, they can handle anything more progressive in tone than Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter, or their beloved icon, Ronald Reagan. That being said, I'm going to start right off by saying that I do not like the very title of "The Christmas Song" at all. Besides the obvious religious connotation, I find this title offensively exclusionary to all but Christians, who, as most educated people are already aware, make up only a minority of the world's population. If it were up to me, I'd change that title to "The Holiday Song". Then it could be a song with something for everybody: not just Christians, but Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus, agnostics, atheists, and yes, even worshippers of Ra the sun god if there are any of those still in existence. However, since I have neither the privilege nor the authority to change that title, I guess I'll have to go with it as written as I examine it line by line.

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire...

Hold it right there! This very concept is offensive to the core. It is nothing less than a celebration of torture -- torture of the worst imaginable kind! I am sure beyond any doubt that no reasonable human being would himself care to be roasted in this particular fashion. Yet people apparently have no qualms about doing this to harmless, defenseless chestnuts! Are we not aware that chestnuts are in fact living creatures -- creatures that do in fact have feelings and do experience pain? If proof be needed, allow me to point out that the hissing sound we hear as the poor chestnuts are being seared and burned is their plaintive scream of agony, and the "pop" so many people find so comforting to listen to in fact is the result of their insides exploding from within, and constitutes their despairing cry of death! Where is the compassion here? If the readers at this point are still too callous and insensitive to feel any pity for these poor, innocent victims of man's sadistic pleasures, then consider this: The very act of roasting chestnuts is in fact a proven contributor to man-made global warming! As the poor chestnuts writhe and die for our pleasure, they emit greenhouse gases which serve to warm the environment and shorten the life expectancy of our very planet! Consider that the next time you listen to this revolting song. Continue.

Jack Frost nipping at your nose...

Hold it right there! Whoever this Jack Frost is, he is obviously SICK, and in severe need of psychotherapy. Anyone who goes around nipping the noses of his fellow human beings is beyond all doubt a danger to society, and probably to himself as well. He is certainly nobody to be celebrated in song! For that matter, anyone who actually enjoys having something like this done to him is in all likelihood a candidate for corrective counseling himself. Continue.

Yuletide carols being sung by a choir...

Hold it right there! Carols? Choir? This sounds very suspiciously like religion to me. What about separation of church and state? I thought it had already been firmly and irrevocably established that religion has no place in the public domain, and should be kept in the churches and synagogues where it belongs. Where is the Supreme Court on this, anyway? Continue.

And folks dressed up like Eskimos...

Hold it right there, hold it right there! This time this song of yours has really crossed the line! It apparently isn't bad enough that it condones torture and psychopathic nose nippers, and then throws in gratuitous religious references for good measure, now we find it casting ethnic slurs against our Native Alaskan brethren! Was this Mel Torme by chance a member of the Ku Klux Klan? He certainly sounds like it! And to think this song was actually sung by an African American! Personally, at this point I find myself already having heard as much of this detestable song as I care to listen to, but I unfortunately did agree to do this, so continue.

Everybody knows a turkey and some mistletoe

Help to make the spirit bright...

Hold it right there! Who says everybody knows? If one person, just one person in this entire world is unaware, then everybody doesn't know! Now about this turkey, is it alive or dead? My educated guess tells me it's probably roasted, just as those poor chestnuts were. And who knows what the mistletoe was used for! Continue.

Tiny tots with their eyes all aglow

Will find it hard to sleep tonight...

Okay, okay, so the kids have insomnia. Believe me, they'll get over it. Don't lose any sleep over it yourself, and for crying out loud, don't sing about it! Continue.

They know that Santa's on his way.

He's loaded lots of toys and goodies in his sleigh...

Hold it right there! In case you're not aware of who this Santa character is, I'll tell you who he is: He's a perverted old coot who uses things like toys and candy to entice innocent, unsuspecting young children to come and sit on his lap! That's how he gets his thrills! The guy's a pedophile, for Pete's sake! A pedophile, and what do the parents do? Not only do they encourage their young ones to gratify the old lecher, they actually pay good money for the privilege! I think I'm getting nauseous, but continue.

And every mother's child is gonna spy

To see if reindeer really know how to fly...

Hold it right there! There it is, the answer to the kids' insomnia problem: Just tell them the truth! Tell them reindeer don't fly, and they'll quit their spying and roll over and go to sleep like they're supposed to. Continue.

And so I'm offering this simple phrase

To kids from one to ninety-two...

Hold it right there! There's no such thing as a ninety-two-year-old kid, and anyone who knows the law of the land knows it! The age of majority, for those who don't already know, happens to be either eighteen or twenty-one, depending on the situation. Beyond that, we are all legally adults. Any ninety-two-year-old who honestly thinks he is a kid belongs in a nursing home if he isn't in one already. Continue.

Although it's been said, many times, many ways...

Hold it: This is good! Finally, at least a hint at diversity -- though I must say at this point it's too little, too late. Continue.

Merry Christmas to you.

There you go with the religion again! Well, that does it! The next time I see that Tim Siggia I'm going to whack him up the side of his head for tricking me into this! This is a horrible, horrible song, and it ought to be banned from the airwaves! It should be stricken from the archives and never sung by anyone ever again! It's unconstitutional, that's what it is, and if the Constitution doesn't say something about this, by golly, we'll make it say something! What we need is another song to replace it -- a song that celebrates the right things, thinks like diversity, social equality, cultural awareness, and environmental responsibility! We need a song that sings of saving the planet! That's what we need! Not a song about torturing chestnuts, disparaging Native Alaskans, and pedophiles and other perverts! The one thing we must never forget here is that above all else, we must be liberal! We must, must, must be liberal, liberal, liberal! Now go have a Happy Holiday!

Well, I guess our friend Mit Aiggis probably does come of to some of us -- most of us, even -- as a bit on the surly side, but the truth of the matter is, this is what he sounds like when he's in a good mood. For my own part, no matter what Mit Aiggis might think of "The Christmas Song", Tim Siggia has no problem with it. It's one of my favorites, in fact. So let me close this by saying Merry Christmas to all my readers. Yes, Mit, even you.