"Bart Simpson, report to the Food Police" by Christopher Healy

"Bart Simpson, report to the Food Police"

By Christopher Healy

May 21, 2005

No, this won't be Episode 354 of The Simpsons, but you couldn't beat the comedy of the debate this week over Senate Bill 1309, which will now criminalize the dispensing of Devil Dogs and 7-Up. Actually, The Simpsons have already covered this topic two weeks ago in Episode 351, when Principal Skinner signed a new vendor deal that led Bart to over consume and be put on a diet. Maybe that's where the Democrats got their most recent critical public policy concept.

The Legislature spent almost a full day - eight hours - debating a bill proposed by the Senate President Don Williams, D-Putnam, that would prohibit certain snacks foods and beverages to our public schools, while adding another 20 minutes of exercise to the daily school day.

If this bill is approved again in the State Senate, and Gov. M. Jodi Rell doesn't veto it in an act of executive clemency, the state will decide what can be sold in vending machines in our public schools. Kids are too fat, you see, and this will solve the problem. Yes, and my feet hurt at my job, so why can't I have a rickshaw and a house servant pull me around to my appointments?

If not for the House Republicans engaging in a tortuous debate, the public would never have known that this was a priority of the Democratic Leadership, that 88 poor rank-and-file Democrats were brown beaten into supporting this new reach by the state to run the lives of everyday citizens.

Sen. Williams said he was "offended" that people would question why he would push this piece of chocolate covered raisins down throats of his colleagues.

I have never been a fan of local school boards. They often talk tough, but after a few weeks of Stockholm seduction, lip synch their orders from overpaid and under worked administrators and pass us the bill while turning out functional illiterates who can't work a cash register or complete a declarative thought.

But An Act Concerning School Nutrition breaks new ground. Not only will a state agency decided what goes into a vending machine, but all existing school contracts with vending companies and distributors will be abrogated. Gone will be thousands of dollars in fees that the schools relied on to paper over their other programs. And, it will prevent other worthy causes from using school grounds to dispense candies and cookies for nominal sums. Can you imagine how many pissed off Girl Scouts leaders there will be when they find out they have to hump those boxes of mints out on the street?

And then there is a requirement to add or find another 20 minutes for kids to spend doing some form of physical activity. Some teachers will welcome another cigarette break while others will call their stock brokers to see whether oil futures are going south.

Yes, while school tests plummet, while teenagers in Hartford dodge 9-millimeter bullets on their way to home room, while teachers and principals enjoy an eight percent pay increases, the bellies of our most precious resources will be spared the odd M & M or Clark Bar (do they still make Clark bars?).

Bart is now writing on the black board - "I will not sell Black Market candy to Milhouse."