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RATING THE DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES
On A Scale From 1 (worst) To 5 (best)
By Edward L. Daley
August 08, 2003
Joe Lieberman
Likeability - 3
Joe is the Elmer Fudd of Democratic presidential candidates. He is mild mannered, with a pleasant smile, sad eyes and a voice that could put a vicious Rottweiler to sleep in seconds.
Governmental Experience - 3
I would have given Mr. Lieberman an above average rating here, however, as an Orthodox Jew he is not allowed to work from sundown Friday to sundown Saturday. He also cannot operate anything powered by electricity, write a letter, drive a car or be driven anywhere during that time, so I had to deduct a point from his score. It's too bad terrorists don't take weekends off, or Joe would be more than qualified to be president.
Intelligence - 4
Senator Lieberman is not a stupid man by any stretch of the imagination, and he would have received the highest rating for intelligence if he hadn't decided to become Al Gore's running mate a few years ago. Talk about a brain cramp!
Integrity - 3
I wouldn't call the man a liar necessarily, but when I heard him repeating the liberal mantra, "all we want is to make sure that ALL the votes are counted" during the 2000 election stalemate, I knew he was not the unbiased man of honor that I had previously suspected he might be.
Originality - 4
He's a Jewish candidate for president, that's pretty original.
Overall Credibility - 3.4
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John Kerry
Likeability - 2
More fascinating to look at than actually likeable, John Kerry has that Frankenstien's monster meets Dan Rather quality which is always fun in a national political candidate.
Governmental Experience - 3
Senator Kerry has been around for a good long time, yet his propensity for missing controversial Senate votes leaves me to wonder if he is capable of taking a strong stand on what he would like to order for dinner.
Intelligence - 3
In spite of his oft' commented upon "frenchness", John isn't stupid. Of course, that doesn't mean he's any kind of genius either. After all, how bright is it to believe that if you just start calling yourself John F. Kerry instead of, simply, John Kerry, you'll actually have a better shot at the presidency?
Integrity - 2
Mr. Kerry... uh, I mean F. Kerry has spent more time straddling the fence than Linda Lovelace did straddling her cinematic co-stars.
Originality - 4
Perhaps John's strongest suit is his unusual looks, and if he ever should become president, you can count on him scaring the bejezus out of foreign dignitaries and their spouses on a regular basis.
Overall Credibility - 2.8
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Howard Dean
Likeability - 1
Howard Dean's likeability rating can be found somewhere between those of Michael Moore and athlete's foot fungus. Every time I see him smile a little voice in the back of my mind keeps repeating the words "it's only a minor extraction, novocain shouldn't be necessary".
Governmental Experience - 4
Although he is one of the few major Democratic candidates running with executive office experience, it is more than a little ironic that his catch phrase "it's time to take back our country" is hauntingly similar to the one used by opponents of his liberal policies in Vermont for several years. For a while, every other autumn brought not only colorful leaves to that state but signs displaying the words "take back Vermont" in big black letters.
Intelligence - 3
I find it hard to gauge Mr. Dean's intelligence, just as I find it difficult to judge the sharpness of a feather. Suffice it to say that the jury's still out on that one. Be that as it may, I'm willing to give him a certain amount of credit for being the current media darling among Democratic hopefuls. I mean, you can't very well be a dolt and achieve that position, can you? Wait... that little voice in the back of my mind just whispered the name "Walter Mondale" to me.
Integrity - 2
If integrity is to moral soundness what an emu is to an ostrich, then Howard Dean is to integrity what an ostrich is to Big Bird.
Originality - 2
I wouldn't call the man utterly devoid of originality, but he does remind me of a sort of John McCain lite.
Overall Credibility - 2.4
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Carol Moseley-Braun
Likeability - 2
It was rather difficult for me to rate Ms. Moseley-Braun on this scale, primarily because I've only seen her speak once. Still, she seemed a little bitchy that one time.
Governmental Experience - 3
Carol Moseley-Braun has been a state Representative, a U.S. Senator and an Ambassador. I had to look those facts up because, like most Americans, I really have no idea who this woman is.
Intelligence - 2
I do know that she leans pretty far to the left, so any rating above a 2 would be hard to justify without compelling evidence.
Integrity - 1
Once again, she IS a far-left liberal.
Originality - 4
Hey, a black woman running for president? Now THAT'S what I call original!
Overall Credibility - 2.4
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Dick Gephardt
Likeability - 1
What can I say about Dick Gephardt that hasn't already been written on the walls of a thousand public restrooms? Perhaps this... he IS well dressed, and yes, he's a natural redhead... or so his wife claims. He also bathes regularly.
Governmental Experience - 3
This guy's been around for as long as I care to remember, but his inability to hold the line against the Republican Congressional onslaught of 2002 exhibits to me that he is incapable of appreciating one undeniable political truth... you can't be an inspirational leader and a complete jackass at the same time.
Intelligence - 2
Let's face it, Representative Gephardt isn't the brightest bulb in the pack. As a matter of fact, his mental filament is as flimsy as the O.J. defense. Still, 'the Juice' WAS acquitted.
Integrity - 1
Dick wouldn't recognize integrity if it tackled him, held him down and tattooed the word across his forehead.
Originality - 3
How many red haired people run for president?
Overall Credibility - 2.0
Continue to Part 2
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